I wake thinking of Justice for Chris.

       Christophers camera, I'm borrowing it.

Tuesday 

How did this come to be? Where can I get answers? Who is responsible? When will this pain go away? Why do I continue to try to figure it out? Why won't the police give me a straight answer? Why send me from place to place to search, when they know? What can I do? Who do I go to for a straight answer about what caused my son's death? Is this something I need to do? Can I just walk away as the police seem to want me to? Who is this guy? Is he being protected because he's someone's Son? Nephew? Friend? What can I do? Where do I go? What about this, and what about that? 

My mind continues to work at trying to understand this, to figure it out, to know what to do. At the same time my innermost sole is being attacked with pain I really can't explain, it hurts so God damned bad. 

I run outta Kleenex, off I go to search, I find one in another room, I sit again 5:10 now, not too bad, I woke at 4:00, tossed and turned till 5:45, thinking, then up and I get to do what? Wash my face, make a coffee ☕, shave and now here I sit. TV doesn't interest me, I sit where I know I'll be able to watch the sun come up, and drink my coffee, hopefully it's warm this time, as I think I forget it's there.

I write here to help me think, as even though I've played the thoughts over and over, from day to day, I just don't really have the jump to attack this, I really don't know how or where, or when. 

I went to the place Chris was hit, had a look, asked a few questions, getting clearer now 

Wednesday 

Today I can, I have energy for today. Ciara said yesterday the dash cam video will be ready, she's got 2 USB things the shop has transferred the video onto, one for her, one for her lawyer. The cop said twice to me, don't watch this, I wouldn't advise you as he rested the case on the video, not what you would want to see. Then before I left the interrogation room, he said twice when I asked about the charges, "why they were dropped?" he said "watch the video" 

I just don't want to see and hear the last of my son angry, giving some other guy his anger for the finger he thought was due after the injustice of cutting in front, not letting him in to the traffic lane?  Ciara tells me in the video Chris was not yelling, angry, I still don't want to see it.

I don't have to watch it, the police are there for us, all of us to collect the evidence, determine if a charge is due, and charge the criminal. This was done, then not just given to the crown prosecutor, but a sit-down exchange I'm told by the officer, a discussion, where the officer says I wasn't sure of the charge, I had some reservation about this charge. 

"So what was the reason the charge was dropped?" "Watch the video!"  "Where can I go from here, who was the crown prosecutor?" 

"Ask the crown, but I wouldn't go next door, I recommend you ask in Edmonton, the head of the crown prosecution." The officer says as I'm leaving.

At this time I realized this cop was not going to help me, he seemed to be a decent guy, but he wasn't going to help me. 

So now what? I put a post on FB, just how the charges are not happening, I got some ideas I didn't expect, where to go, I got some advice on how to proceed in a PM, I just don't know if I have what it takes here and now, I'm loosing the fight I once had, I just feel sad, hurt, and kinda screwed. 

Maybe later today I'll feel like it, but right now not. 

That's my delema, I think could, or should I hire a lawyer? They might fight for me, for a price! 

I snicker, hire a lawyer to take the police and the crown lawyer to task? Yep I'm really feeling fucked right now.

Another coffee ☕, maybe that will help. 

Dogs are up, I let them out, make another coffee ☕, let them back in, put the diaper back on Charlie, he's being pretty good this time. We are fortunate to have good friends here in GP letting us stay, they had a trip planned so this watching the house & dogs for them just fit, for us and them.

I just can't stop thinking, none of this would have been needed if the guy just continued on, or Chris continued on. What a terrible outcome from an angry exchange on the road. 

I'm thinking Ciara will watch this video with a friend, I could, but I just really can't. She was there, she saw it first hand, but still there's more, some she didn't see. The dash cam was in her car, it caught what happened. I guess today I'll wait and get answers from her or her friend. 

I wonder if that will help propel me into action? Or will it just answer my questions? 

Ok that's enough for now, I'm going to turn on the TV, but what will I watch? I just don't give a dam right now 🙁

Monday

We Ciara, Larry & I went to Rainbow lake Monday, 6hrs there 6hrs back, packed up all Christopher's personal belongings, talked with a friend of his, got hug's & gave hug's, talked with his crew members, gave hug's, & got hug's. Looked at his office, a place we all saw every once in awhile on video chat as we talked with Chris. I would talk with him in the morning, have a short chat, usually he would say "I'm just waiting for the permit, the guys are loading the truck." 

           Chris's trailer at Rainbow lake 

I knew what he meant, the crew loaded the scaffolding they needed for the day, and the permit was something he had to submit to perform the work. It was nice to have that few minutes, just a short exchange, I took what I could get. A Snapchat, a message on messenger, a video chat, or just a short message, all were contact, and I loved all of them, no matter how short. 

I have the messenger conversations on our feed still, I'm thinking that's better than TV, so that's what I'll do now, wonder how that will feel? I've been shying away from this so far, knowing it will be tender. Oh well, got to sometime. Today's the day.

Thursday 

I called the crown prosecutor today, the secretary said he was busy again today, but he would send me an email when he felt like it. Not very promising, but surprised I was when later I got an email from him, said he was busy tomorrow, and all next week, but would meet with me on the week of Dec 5th. So we booked 5th at 9:30 am.

Ciara is getting some information today too. We are moving ahead, even though I'm not sure we will get what we desire. Still, something is happening, that's better than nothing. 

Ciara & her friend did watch the video, 3 times. After this Ciara still doesn't understand what the officer saw that could change his mind about the charges, the car ran at Chris, Chris jumped last second, or he would have been run over. 

We Ciara and I wrote a obituary for Chris today, using another we liked for a pattern, along with his Mom Linda's writing. Was a tough go, we held together not too bad, was hard.

Polly has a cold, she's been hacking and sounds rough in the throat, I ask "You alright?" "Ahh yeah" she says, tough Polly is. She thinks she got it from the hairdresser that did her hair Saturday. Polly's staying home right now, not wanting to pass it on. 

Dogs in, dogs out, dinner was good, leftovers tonight, with fresh shortbread cookies Polly made this afternoon. Lucky me 😃

Friday already, gee, that went fast 😳 

Weekend will be same, fast. 

Good news from Ciara, she has been busy, she has all the funeral arrangements done, I was some surprised when I read the message last night, that there girl has been busy. I was so happy to see that her gitter-done kicked in when I didn't know. Always knew she had it in her! 

Saturday day morning, early wake up, like usual, just a little earlier than I thought it was. Gives me time to peck here, feeling ready for the day, although a nap 😴 is a sure thing today. The furnace goes on and off, I hear the fridge making the noise too, water pump Polly said last night. Now the fan for the furnace, all that makes our life comfortable. 

Been a nice week, warm for GP at this time of year, up to 8°c this will change now. We are fortunate to be able to be out with our coat open. I thank Jack every time I get in his pickup, for the ride back and forth to Ciara's. My life is easier because of this. 

Colton's happy 😊 is back, he had a few days of teething cranky, was unlike him. He runs to me as I come in, not shy, happy. When he thinks it's time for me to go he starts with bye-bye, and waving his hand. We laugh. 

Ciara's friends have helped so much, is so heart warming seeing this Love ❤️

Jennie came again yesterday, Ciara had an appointment, before Ciara left we took an hour and organized the garage, Ciara was in motion. I've noticed this in her, like once she has her mind made up, away she goes. After awhile, Colton is down for his nap Jennie joins us, then the shelving of much that takes up room on the floor gets pushed up onto the mezzanine, Jennie was up on the big shelf, and we passed up the items. Ciara has to leave, but not before the cupboards were accessible, and the counter was cleared. 

A job well done, every day something gets done, even if small. We need to keep moving, keep doing something. I need to keep doing something, even if just pecking on this phone. 

Sunday tomorrow, the week has gone so fast. One more week till Chris's funeral. 3 more days till our friends come home 🏠, with there adventure stories, I'm looking for to this.

4:57 now, well that's a better time to be up 😃 now to have another coffee ☕, cup#2. Chris and I would message like this when he was home, nobody up at his house or at mine, just a weekend exchange, then Colton would wake, and after he had him all organized, food on his highchair table, he would video chat with me, a little bit of time with Colton and Chris. I'm happy I have those memories. Off I go for a Kleenex again, a short blow my nose, and wipe my eyes. I'm doing better each day, just can't hurry this. The week might pass fast, but the pain hangs on till is subsides, then again it comes. 

It is what it is.

Today we, Polly & I will likely go to Ciara's, do a little more, hugs, talk, a lamp has to go up, dinner maybe? Look and listen to our happy grandson, visit and hug some more. See what else we can do to help. I booked our flights yesterday, Dec 10th to our trailer in Norfolk Virginia, we will continue our adventures, although we have changed, we will move forward, just be a little different. Messages will be with Ciara, not Chris. Visits still with Colton, sometimes Chase in the background, maybe Laurie Ciara's Mom. 

I'm sure Ciara can handle this, I know it's painful, but I'm sure now she has strength, strength even she didn't know she had. The children help further that, you can't just stop, the days will move her ahead, and with the great friendships, the future will get brighter. Not wanting to see this will become a desire to move on, it early now, but I believe forward motions is best, but grieving has to be done before that happens, and we all are grieving, nobody can say when is done, except the person grieving. I just know Chris wouldn't want us to be at this to long. 

I'm learning as I go how much he was like me, gitter-done, that was him, and I see this in me too. I never really thought his way was from me, he seemed to have more energy than me. I'm guessing now I was looking at me now, not me at his age at the time. I'm into the Kleenex again, I snicker. It feels good to put down what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. I'm not sure I'll post this, just writing it should be enough. 

My daughter Penny messaged me yesterday, it had been a couple days, she's having a tough go of it, is not easy being away from here, she's doing her best. She sent me photos of her cat yesterday, is a cute cat, a friend that's there all the time. 

So many people effected, so many people's lives changed. Just so much hurt. I'm feeling calm now, just feeling ok. Again as I reach for the last bit of my second cup I feel fortunate, I'm warm where it is cold out, I can do this. I can carry on, move forward. 

While packing stuff yesterday I saw something I gave Chris a long time ago, the boxing gloves my day passed on to me. They were in a box, up on the mezzanine. I was surprised, I knew he had them, I was just surprised to see them. He was a real collector, in the box we're Chess men from a game I had been given years ago, and a tube of tinker toys, I forgot about. I was taking it in, then I moved another box, was really heavy, I had to look inside, it was all his cards, hockey, baseball, and many more. Cards from his early collections. Yes he was a collector. I took pictures of both boxes. That's me, I take pictures.❤️